Christmas morning my ex showed up at mine. It was 3AM. He woke me by throwing stones at my bedroom window.
He came in, we talked. He said he’d made a mistake. We decided to try again. I was so pleased to see him, and so happy he had come over. But still, something felt wrong.
For the next few days I hardly saw him. The odd phone call, or quick visit while he was passing. Maybe it was me expecting too much, but I thought after realising he wanted me in his life he would be making an effort to spend time with me, or make me feel special.
But no. Not at all.
He took me out last night for a meal, but was exhausted and yawned throughout it. In total, we were only together for 2 hours.
Then today, he phoned me while I was at work to ask if he could borrow £400 until Saturday. I told him I don’t have it. He knows I have cash though as I told him I was paying it in today. So I lied and told him I had to pay it into my bank because my rent goes out tomorrow. It’s not due until the 12th.
He said it was urgent, somebody was waiting for it. And he said he would tell me what it was for later. It’s now almost 10PM and I’ve not heard from him.
I feel awful for lying. But he’s a self-confessed gambling addict. What if he didn’t stop a month ago like he said. He gets paid on Saturday so I’m reasonably confident I would have got it back but I just can’t risk it. I barely get through the month anyway. And if he IS still gambling I don’t want to support him in it.
I suppose it’s a matter of trust. And it would appear I don’t trust him. So why are we back together?
Whatever felt wrong on Christmas Day feels worse now. I’m uneasy, and that’s not right.
Am I alone in thinking he only showed up so he can use me? I have a tendency to be too suspicious of people’s intentions but in this case is it justified?
Slightly bad timing too: I’d decided, due to a combination of factors, can’t get to the doc, feeling fairly good, and sick of taking them, that I was going to come off anti-depressants. I want to be just me for a while and see how I am. I take my last one on Friday. I really hope I don’t regret this decision.