Just to get everyone up to speed, I’d better tell you as of Sunday I am officially dumped. He’s protecting me from the situation. He says his mind is all over the place but he needs to sort himself out on his own.
And that’s that. And the worst bit? He did it by text. Classy.
I felt awful. Totally lost. It was expected by that point but even so, I was crushed. I spent most of that evening crying.
Monday was better. I had a good talk with some great friends and it’d perked me up. I’d also had a great idea for a social marketing campaign at work so that kept my mind busy and I was feeling ok.
Today was pretty good too. Kept busy, and was feeling upbeat. Me and girlie had a busy evening planned so we decided we needed to cheat and have a takeaway for dinner. And I decided to go to his restaurant as it’s the best one in town. I’ve been going there for about 15 years – I didn’t want to stop just because of him. I was convinced it would be ok. I was feeling good, it would clear the air and get rid of any awkwardness.
I was wrong.
It was awful. I went in and straight away his colleagues made themselves scarce. We said hi, I asked him how he was, he kinda shrugged and said “about the same”. He asked me how I was and I replied “I’m about ok”. He took my order, and then we just stood there in silence. Then my eyes started to let me down. I was doing fine – I wasn’t going to cry, but it seems my eyes had missed that particular memo. So there I stood, with silent tears slowly rolling down my face. Finally my order was ready. He refused to take my money. I thanked him, apologised for coming in and left.
What an idiot. Of course I’m not strong enough to see him straight away. When have I EVER been strong enough for anything????
I’m going to stay away from there for a few months. I don’t want a repeat of that. About 45 minutes after I left I received a text message from him: “You are the nicest person I’ve even met, so honest and true. I’m really sorry, I really do mean that but it’s better for you if we finish. I don’t deserve anything in my life because of the gambling problem. I’m really sorry I just don’t know what to say to you, I just feel so bad when I see that you care so much. I’m really sorry for everything x”
Of course I replied. I can’t help myself. A bit of a self-indulgent text: “You still deserve happiness. Gambling is an addiction like any other. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves but you can still be happy! We were doing fine weren’t we? Nothing changed – we still could be. You shouldn’t throw it away just because you think you don’t deserve it.”
I should have just deleted his text and not replied. But the truth is I miss him. He made me smile. All the time. And at the risk of sounding like a petulant child, this isn’t fair.