Back on the meds

The day after my last post I demanded an emergency appointment to see my doctor and he listened to me, gave me tissues to wipe my eyes, then re-prescribed Citalopram. He told me off for just stopping them (in a nice way) and said the least I should have done was drop down to 10mg first. I was shocked. I was convinced I HAD been on 10mg, but he showed me my records and I’ve been on 20mg since 2011. Why did I think I was on 10?

After about 3 days of being back on them I had a very toned-down version of what normally happens when you start taking SSRIs. I was shaky and a little confused but nothing like it is if you haven’t taken them recently. And, I’m happy to say, it passed very quick.

Now, it’s about a week later and I feel so much better. I’m calm. And I feel I can cope with my life again. My body seems to be back to normal; no more weird withdrawal symptoms.

I feel at peace again.

Cold Turkey

Coming off Citalopram cold turkey was a HUGE mistake. I feel awful. I have a dull/numb head that I can’t shift. I feel sick all of the time. I’m shaky and confused. I can hear my eyes moving, which is making me feel really sick. I’ve also started hearing my blood pumping in my ears. I’m a tearful mess. I can’t sleep. I keep getting weird electrical surges through my body, most often in the back of my knees. I need to try to get to the doctor’s before the 24th. I’ve just been promoted at work. I need to have my brain functioning normally. I can’t afford to blow this. And I can remember how bad it was when I first started taking them. I don’t want to be messed up like that again. I need to get back on them quick.

Maybe I will always need to take SSRIs. That has to be better than feeling like this.

Getting my finances back on track

I’ve moaned a little about money recently and it’s been on my mind nearly constantly. I’m no longer getting through the month in one piece and things are starting to slide.

I’ve only got myself to blame for this one really. Since being on my own I have kept a close eye on everything money related. As nerdy as this may sound, I have a spreadsheet in which I record every single purchase in every single month. Direct debits, standing orders, my salary, maintenance and benefits are all recorded so if ever I run out of money I can see exactly what the cause may be.

When I started my current job the longer hours hit me hard at first and I let it slip. Then I fell out of the habit of keeping receipts, so since July all I have recorded is income and direct debits/standing orders going out to regular bills.

It’s no wonder I’m not managing now! So, starting on my next payday (27th) I will start to track everything again. I will stick like glue to my CCCS budget (Debt Management Plan), and things should start to come make sense again. It’s not like I waste vast amounts of money. The worst thing I do is pop to the shop for lunch. This needs to stop. And I’ll stop that now. When I go grocery shopping next I will buy a multi-pack of cans of Pepsi Max so I don’t have to pay over the odds per can every day. And I will get back into the habit of taking my own lunch in. I always used to – it’s just laziness. I won’t buy ANY more books until I have read all of the ones waiting for me. That should take me through to the summer at least! Now I’m single and have more time at weekends I will try to cook more meals for the freezer. I always used to do that too.

I’ve slipped into so many bad habits. That’s really annoying because I’ve always been so hot on stuff like this.

I think what I’ll do is go back to reading EVERYTHING on the Money Saving Expert website (UK advice only, I’m afraid). Seriously, I swear by Martin Lewis; over the years I’ve saved/made so much money all thanks to him (and his very loyal forumites!).

I know this has been a somewhat dull post but I feel better knowing I have a bit of a plan. I was feeling like everything was spiralling out of my control, but now I think I can take this bit back and make it mine again.

Stopping anti-depressants too early

This is going to be a bit of a long-winded post I’m afraid. I’ve not been sleeping and the night before last I sat up and poured my heart into my notebook. I haven’t had a chance to transfer it here until now.

I’ve been given a promotion at work. I’m over the moon about it – especially as I thought it would finally give me a little more money. It seems I was wrong about that though. I’ve got another blog: one I keep for things I don’t mind people reading, not a deeply personal one like this one. To save me repeating it all the link to a key post is here. Please have a read – it’ll explain why I’m so uptight about work and money.

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I can’t sleep. I’m wound up like a spring, too much going through my head. Things I don’t know. Things I’ve done wrong. Things I want. Things I don’t understand.

Work
I can’t do the whole ‘negotiation’ thing. I just don’t understand it. I can’t hope to get what I want when I’m up against a seasoned businessman who wants to save money. And when I don’t even benefit from these negotiations, what’s the point?

Boyfriend
What the hell is he doing? Why come back just to treat me badly? Was it just for sex and money? And why do I let him have one so freely when I won’t give the other? Do I value my own body so little?

Me
I’m sitting here, eyes sore from crying. I feel lost and alone. Scared that I’m coming off anti-depressants and I’m feeling like this already. I can’t let myself get down. I need to keep focused on everything that’s going on.

I started reading a book tonight. His ‘n’ Hers by Mike Gayle. It tells the story of a couple pre- and post-break up. I can’t even begin to say how much I’m in need of a man like the one in the book. A proper man, who will think about me when I’m not with him. Who’ll want to spend time with me – without an ulterior motive.

I suppose reading about this man has highlighted exactly what I’m not getting. And I guess it’s why I feel so low.

In addition to that it’s my time of the month, which really messes with my IBS. I’ve spent the last two days with such bad stomach cramps. My guts are not happy at all.

Written down like this it doesn’t seem like much but right now it feels like the whole world pressing down on me. It’s like I forget to breathe for a while, but then when I do, I breathe in stress, not oxygen.

My jaw is aching so I know I must be gritting my teeth possibly grinding them in my sleep too. I need to relax.

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Yesterday I handed the spreadsheet I’d made to my boss so he could see what difference a rise would make to my life. Or rather would not make to my life. I’m ashamed to say I sat there and cried like a baby at the unfairness of it all. Bless him, he was lovely, but I feel so stupid.

I’ve overwhelmingly proved to myself that I should NOT have stopped taking anti-depressants. I was on a low dose, but obviously it was the exact dose I needed as I’m a total mess now.

Today I took my car to an old friends’ house so he could fit a new headlight bulb for me. I had a bulb pack from Halfords which I’m sure I remembered the sales person telling me had two of each bulb in. I got there, popped the bonnet, he took out the dead bulb and I opened the pack to get the new one out. And there wasn’t one. There was only one of each bulb. What an idiot. I stood there and said “I don’t know what to do now”. My friend told me not to worry, we’d just pop to Halfords for another bulb. I knew I didn’t have the money for it. I tried to get those world out properly, but all that came out was “I can’t afford i……” it turned into pathetically big sobs. I went from nothing, to crying my heart out in about 2 seconds flat.

He was so sweet. He got his wallet, took me to Halfords, bought me a bulb and said “if I can’t buy a bloody bulb for you, what’s the point of us being friends?”.

I feel a failure. I know him and his girlfriend have money troubles, they don’t need me sponging off of them. But I don’t know what I would have done without him.

I’m no good at accepting help. I think it makes me less of a person, incapable of coping on my own.

It doesn’t feel right

Christmas morning my ex showed up at mine. It was 3AM. He woke me by throwing stones at my bedroom window.

He came in, we talked. He said he’d made a mistake. We decided to try again. I was so pleased to see him, and so happy he had come over. But still, something felt wrong.

For the next few days I hardly saw him. The odd phone call, or quick visit while he was passing. Maybe it was me expecting too much, but I thought after realising he wanted me in his life he would be making an effort to spend time with me, or make me feel special.

But no. Not at all.

He took me out last night for a meal, but was exhausted and yawned throughout it. In total, we were only together for 2 hours.

Then today, he phoned me while I was at work to ask if he could borrow £400 until Saturday. I told him I don’t have it. He knows I have cash though as I told him I was paying it in today. So I lied and told him I had to pay it into my bank because my rent goes out tomorrow. It’s not due until the 12th.

He said it was urgent, somebody was waiting for it. And he said he would tell me what it was for later. It’s now almost 10PM and I’ve not heard from him.

I feel awful for lying. But he’s a self-confessed gambling addict. What if he didn’t stop a month ago like he said. He gets paid on Saturday so I’m reasonably confident I would have got it back but I just can’t risk it. I barely get through the month anyway. And if he IS still gambling I don’t want to support him in it.

I suppose it’s a matter of trust. And it would appear I don’t trust him. So why are we back together?

Whatever felt wrong on Christmas Day feels worse now. I’m uneasy, and that’s not right.

Am I alone in thinking he only showed up so he can use me? I have a tendency to be too suspicious of people’s intentions but in this case is it justified?

Slightly bad timing too: I’d decided, due to a combination of factors, can’t get to the doc, feeling fairly good, and sick of taking them, that I was going to come off anti-depressants. I want to be just me for a while and see how I am. I take my last one on Friday. I really hope I don’t regret this decision.

Act like an adult!

I worry constantly that my girlie doesn’t see her dad enough. She stopped seeing him regularly in August and he hasn’t made any effort to see her properly since.

I got him to come round for half an hour after I found out she’d been self harming and she seemed to enjoy his company so I decided, seeing as he still hasn’t made any effort at all, that I would invite him to ours for a cup of tea today.

We had got him, his girlfriend and their daughter Christmas presents and girlie was looking forward to giving them to him.

He had bought her Christmas presents over with him. It was just a scarf and a pair of earrings from Tesco. I wouldn’t have minded at all that he only got her those if he hadn’t said, while giving them to her, “This was your birthday present but you haven’t bothered coming to see me so I re-wrapped them in Christmas paper”.

For God’s sake!!! He just cannot grasp the fact that HE’S the adult. Why must he always moan? I left them alone to talk for about half an hour but for the 15 minutes I was with them he insulted her clothes three times.

He just doesn’t let up. I thought I was doing the right thing in trying to get them to spend time with each other, but maybe I should just leave it alone. It’s up to him: if he had any decency he’d stop with the moaning and insults and put some quality time in.

On the plus side he asked her if she wanted to go ice-skating on Monday. But I checked online after he’d gone and it’s closed Monday. So another let-down coming her way…

Giving myself a break

Okay. I’ve calmed down and realised that perhaps I over-reacted. It was a knee-jerk reaction to the reality of what I’d done. And let’s face it, a huge amount of people have had intentional one-night stands.

Yes, it wasn’t my smartest moment. No, it didn’t do anything to help me in the long term. For a few minutes when we cuddled it made me smile. But no, I’m not going to go out and do it again.

Although, it turns out it might not have to be a one-night stand. He’s sent me several texts today, all very sweet. I might not be ready for a boyfriend again but I’m ready for a friend.

I still feel stupid and a bit lame. But I’ve stopped hating myself for it. I’m only human. I make mistakes. The important thing was I was safe throughout.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for sticking with me.