This is going to be a bit of a long-winded post I’m afraid. I’ve not been sleeping and the night before last I sat up and poured my heart into my notebook. I haven’t had a chance to transfer it here until now.
I’ve been given a promotion at work. I’m over the moon about it – especially as I thought it would finally give me a little more money. It seems I was wrong about that though. I’ve got another blog: one I keep for things I don’t mind people reading, not a deeply personal one like this one. To save me repeating it all the link to a key post is here. Please have a read – it’ll explain why I’m so uptight about work and money.
I can’t sleep. I’m wound up like a spring, too much going through my head. Things I don’t know. Things I’ve done wrong. Things I want. Things I don’t understand.
I can’t do the whole ‘negotiation’ thing. I just don’t understand it. I can’t hope to get what I want when I’m up against a seasoned businessman who wants to save money. And when I don’t even benefit from these negotiations, what’s the point?
What the hell is he doing? Why come back just to treat me badly? Was it just for sex and money? And why do I let him have one so freely when I won’t give the other? Do I value my own body so little?
I’m sitting here, eyes sore from crying. I feel lost and alone. Scared that I’m coming off anti-depressants and I’m feeling like this already. I can’t let myself get down. I need to keep focused on everything that’s going on.
I started reading a book tonight. His ‘n’ Hers by Mike Gayle. It tells the story of a couple pre- and post-break up. I can’t even begin to say how much I’m in need of a man like the one in the book. A proper man, who will think about me when I’m not with him. Who’ll want to spend time with me – without an ulterior motive.
I suppose reading about this man has highlighted exactly what I’m not getting. And I guess it’s why I feel so low.
In addition to that it’s my time of the month, which really messes with my IBS. I’ve spent the last two days with such bad stomach cramps. My guts are not happy at all.
Written down like this it doesn’t seem like much but right now it feels like the whole world pressing down on me. It’s like I forget to breathe for a while, but then when I do, I breathe in stress, not oxygen.
My jaw is aching so I know I must be gritting my teeth possibly grinding them in my sleep too. I need to relax.
Yesterday I handed the spreadsheet I’d made to my boss so he could see what difference a rise would make to my life. Or rather would not make to my life. I’m ashamed to say I sat there and cried like a baby at the unfairness of it all. Bless him, he was lovely, but I feel so stupid.
I’ve overwhelmingly proved to myself that I should NOT have stopped taking anti-depressants. I was on a low dose, but obviously it was the exact dose I needed as I’m a total mess now.
Today I took my car to an old friends’ house so he could fit a new headlight bulb for me. I had a bulb pack from Halfords which I’m sure I remembered the sales person telling me had two of each bulb in. I got there, popped the bonnet, he took out the dead bulb and I opened the pack to get the new one out. And there wasn’t one. There was only one of each bulb. What an idiot. I stood there and said “I don’t know what to do now”. My friend told me not to worry, we’d just pop to Halfords for another bulb. I knew I didn’t have the money for it. I tried to get those world out properly, but all that came out was “I can’t afford i……” it turned into pathetically big sobs. I went from nothing, to crying my heart out in about 2 seconds flat.
He was so sweet. He got his wallet, took me to Halfords, bought me a bulb and said “if I can’t buy a bloody bulb for you, what’s the point of us being friends?”.
I feel a failure. I know him and his girlfriend have money troubles, they don’t need me sponging off of them. But I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I’m no good at accepting help. I think it makes me less of a person, incapable of coping on my own.